Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands