I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene