Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Only Americans understand
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid