My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I hate everything
Kidney stones? Hard pass
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.