This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.