Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Based Erika
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My current situation
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”