[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
How it started: How it’s going:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls