Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
this has to be peak English
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Finally, an explanation.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.