[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong