People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Hero horse inspires millions
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.