Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
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I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.