ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
You Might Also Like
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
the red hot silly peppers