Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
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Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet