[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
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See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Can’t. Being lazy.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.