From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
You Might Also Like
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.