Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
When you kidnap a writer.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
welcome back
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt