I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you