Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.