The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
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Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3