ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Look at this
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.