Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake