If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna