VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
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Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.