40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
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Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Namaste
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world