Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential