The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
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There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.