Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!