[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Was it something I said?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.