I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
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Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.