My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
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This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Beware…..
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed