mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.