Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
You Might Also Like
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now