How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
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I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
when you don’t want to be too vague
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.