When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Choose your fighter
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.