She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
You Might Also Like
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.