When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Remember folks 😂
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?