There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My background check bounced.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
it is time once again
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.