Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Oh, I bet you would be
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I’m awake but I object,
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune