Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.