me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
#NeverForget
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?