What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race