Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
No, he would not have.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in