If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.