I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Yes, but it was never about money
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.