I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles