No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I needed a laugh this morning.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.