ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My birthstone is kidney
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners