if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Note to self: I am a note
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.