*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.