Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
You Might Also Like
Overindulged this afternoon.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My brain is a bad influence on me
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
You learn something every day
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
thanks auntie mary
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon